My heart breaks everytime I hear clients confide in me that they feel lonely, unseen, and unheard ever since becoming a mother.

As a clinical counsellor I consider it a privilege to be brought into a person’s inner world. I bear witness to the joys and pains of many mothers in my practice – and so much of that pain is brought about by a lack of real connection with others.

We all crave connection – so why does it elude so many of us?

A study by Jeffrey Hall looked at how many hours it takes to make a friend. Here’s what he found out:

• It takes approximately 50 hours to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend
• It takes 90 hours to turn a casual friendship into a real friendship
• It can take 200 hours to turn a close friend into a best friend (a deeply meaningful and rich friendship)

That’s a lot of time and can be difficult to do when your life revolves around kids.

In this blog, I’ll talk about the importance of connection (especially for brand new moms), some of the challenges getting in the way of making mom friends, and of course, tips for making friends as an adult (including where to find friends and how to engage them).

Loneliness is an illness – making friends as an adult is a solution

Loneliness can have an impact on your physical health, not to mention our mental and emotional health. 

The experience of loneliness can be as bad for our physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day! 

Many modern mothers have reported feeling profound loneliness in motherhood. Not only is this extremely sad to think about – what is chronic loneliness doing to the experience of motherhood, and to the children that these lonely moms are raising? 

I remember calling my sister a few years ago. The tears that poured out of me unexpectedly as I shared with her that I was feeling so alone. 

Although I feel fortunate to have lots of people in my life, what I craved were deep, meaningful connections with people I could do life with.

I am convinced that if everyone had more meaningful and real friendships in their lives, so many of our mental, social, and emotional problems would lessen and become easier to navigate over time.

Is it harder to make friends as an adult these days?

Our social landscape has changed over time. The reality is – it is harder to make friends as an adult.

So how do we get those real connections that we’re all wired for and that we all crave? How do we take existing friendships and deepen them?

Let’s talk about these things first:

• Common barriers to making friends as an adult
• The many benefits of forming friendships
• How to repair friendships after a rupture
• What making friends as an adult looks like in the different seasons of life

Common barriers to making friends as an adult

I grew up in the 90s with an open-door policy. 

Extended family members often dropped by unannounced, my mom would invite unexpected visitors to stay for supper, and a pair of sisters who lived on our street would often come over and play for hours without any pre-arrangement. 

One Christmas, my aunt, uncle and their six kids surprised us for an impromptu stay over the holidays! (I know, right?!)

I’m sure it was a big shock for my parents to have a house full of unexpected guests, it felt entirely normal to me. 

Physical interactions with people were an integral part of each other’s lives in both homelife and routines. 

Today, social and family landscapes look totally different. (Can you imagine having family drop in on you like this?)  

Major shifts have occurred in both culture and technology that have had a huge impact on people and relationships. 

It’s not just one thing leading to the rise in loneliness or difficulty in making friends. There are many changes that have taken place over many years that have led to: 

• Less trust in each other. 
• Less sense of community. 
• Less opportunity to mingle in shared spaces. 
• More focus inward on individual family units. 

The way we connect with one another has changed. 

If you walk down the street or down the hallway to chat randomly with your neighbour for no reason, you are likely to be regarded warily.

An unexpected phone call from a family member you don’t hear from often might make you immediately assume something terrible has happened rather than assuming they’re just calling for a chat. 

What caused all these changes? 

 Follow me through a quick history of familial interactions over the years in Canada 

• Single-family focus: In the 1970s and 80s families lived in single dwelling homes instead of multi-housing units (such as apartments or condos) where spontaneous interactions would occur in front or back yards or shared public spaces increasing a sense of community.
  
• Urban density: With an increase in urban density and housing has come maximizing space, resulting in smaller lot sizes or shared out-door play spaces that would have once facilitated neighbourhood gathering and playing.
  
• Downsizing families: Family size decreasing had a part to play in all this change. In 1961 in Canada, the average family size was 2.7 children. In 2011, it declined to 1.9 children per family and in 2023 it dropped again to 1.26 children (and it is the same trend with our US counterpart). If you are a mom looking to make other mom friends, the pool of possible mom friends is decreasing.
  
• Cultural shifts: Since the late 20th century there has been a cultural shift towards prioritizing careers, hobbies and self-fulfillment over creating and cultivating family and community life.
  
• Technology: Social media and online gaming have replaced in-person interactions contributing greatly to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation. In fact, more than 1 in 10 people in Canada report feeling always or often lonely.
  
• Home-based entertainment: As more streaming systems and online platforms emerge, people have shifted to spending time indoors instead of going out and socializing. 

Social protocol and interactions have significantly changed – and in a lot of ways, it’s coming at a cost to our mental health and overall wellbeing.  

Our social landscape impacts making mom friends

At birth we are dependent on others for our survival. As we grow, we remain dependent on others for our overall well being in different ways.

WE ARE WIRED FOR RELATIONSHIPS. 

Feeling connected to someone (feeling like you belong to or in a group of people) is so important for a person’s mental and physical health – and even their mortality.

• A review by Smith and Christakis found that the more a person felt socially connected with a perception of strong social support, the longer they lived. 
• Another study published in Plos Medicine looked at 148 studies involving 300, 000 participants and found that people with strong social relationships had a 50% advantage in life expectancy (that is to say – they live longer!) compared to individuals with weaker social relationships. 

And if you’re a mother, your job is not only to be well enough to care for yourself, but to provide physical care and emotional stability for your children as well. 

Connection is crucial: Making mom friends is so important for mothers 

Loneliness and social isolation come with many physical and mental health consequences – and these consequences can negatively impact your own experiences with becoming a mother. 

Every mom deserves to feel joy in motherhood. Feeling isolated can eat away at that joy.

We all know it deep down – and research study after research study has confirmed – that social support is a significant buffer against postpartum depression and anxiety for new moms.

If you’re experiencing postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety, consider your social and family circles. Loneliness could be exacerbating or even causing these symptoms. 

Having a strong circle of support (that mom village we’ve all heard about and many of us have longed to be a part of) has huge benefits, including: 

• Reducing or preventing mom burnout (which is exacerbated by loneliness)
• Helping navigate parenthood (which is hard enough without feeling lonely!) 

A friend and I were recently chatting over tea while our kids played and she shared this story with me. 

When she became a mom, she felt so lonely and wanted mom friends – but she didn’t know where to find them. 

She isn’t alone – and neither are you, if this is your experience! 

It’s hard to make new friends as an adult. It can feel even hard to make new friends as a mom when you’re constantly tired, constantly rushing home for nap times, or constantly running after a toddler. (Or, if you’re in the later years of your motherhood, running around to extracurricular sports in the evenings or through the weekend)

It’s true – it can be hard to make new friends as a mom. 

We were never meant to do motherhood alone.

Motherhood changes you and so it makes sense that friendships might change as well as your priorities, values, time, energy and capacity changes. 

You might feel like you lose yourself at the beginning of motherhood. The truth is, you’re not the same independent or carefree woman you were before. 

The years in which you’re rediscovering yourself (it can sometimes feel like you’re rebuilding yourself completely) are so crucial for you as a mom – and for your kids as well. 

The you that you grow into becomes the woman your kids will remember for the rest of their lives. That growth process is easier when you have friends and family who love you and support you no matter what. 

6 tips for making new friends as an adult: The mom friends version

Where to find new mom friends 

• Local Mom Groups: Look online (local Facebook pages) or ask around for local mom groups in your area. Look for playgroups (play dates are good for moms and kids!) or parenting classes in your geographic area.
  
• Community Events: Go to library story times, church gatherings, or community centre activities designed for parents and kids.
  
• Kid-Friendly Places: The local library kids’ area, kids craft markets, playgrounds, indoor play areas, swimming classes or extracurricular events are great places to strike up conversations with other moms.
  
• Volunteer or Join Clubs: Get involved (if you can) with the kids’ daycare, preschool, or elementary school. Join parent-teacher associations or hobby-based groups to meet moms with shared interests.
  
• Pick-up & Drop-Off: If your kids attend daycare, preschool, or school, get to pick-up a little bit early (if you can), and introduce yourself to other moms.
  
• Social Media: Find your community’s Facebook page(s) and put a call out asking for other moms in the same age bracket as your children if they’d be up for playdates. You can connect with more moms this way and, over time, find the ones whose friendship you want to pursue! 

How to make connections with new mom friends

We get it – it can be intimidating to strike up a conversation with a stranger. We’ve all been there. It’s like asking someone out on a date – it can be nerve-wracking and uncomfortable at the start. 

But here’s what we think you should know… 

You are not the only mom out there who’s feeling lonely.

Even if you look around and think, “wow, all these other moms are crushing it.” Remember that they might be looking at you and thinking the exact same thing. 

The research tells us that moms everywhere are experiencing loneliness and social isolation at unprecedented numbers. 

And even if you find a mom who has tons of friends… who out there is going to say “no thanks” for the chance to meet new people, make new friends, and get more opportunities to get out and do something with the kids? 

So, take this away with you as you get out into the world and start making new mom friends: 

• Have Courage: It can feel intimidating, but you’ve got this. One quick conversation with a stranger at the park one day could lead to the best friend you’ve ever had. You’ll never know until you try.
  
• Take The Lead: If you’re feeling nervous about talking to a stranger, chances are other moms are feeling the same way. Take the lead! Introduce yourself, you could even explain that you’re trying to make mom friends, offer your phone number, and ask if there are days that might work to arrange playdates.
  
• Don’t Take it to Heart: Lots of moms are at different stages in their own emotional and mental growth as a mother. If the first few attempts at making mom friends don’t pan out – don’t give up. Just remember that the moms you’re trying to hang out with might be so overwhelmed that they’re not spending time with anybody at the moment. Hang in there, and keep trying! 

How to make mom friends in Fraser Valley

Are you a mom in Fraser Valley? That’s where we’re from! Care For Women is here to support moms through every step of early postpartum motherhood.

Our goal is to create a nurturing, compassionate community where you feel empowered and supported as you navigate the challenges and joys of motherhood. You don’t have to do this alone—we’re here for you, every step of the way.

Here are some resources in the B.C. area that you can access if you are a local mom looking for her mom tribe.

• Strong Start: In B.C. if you have a child between 0-5 years old, you can attend a free group called The Strong Start Program. Here, a qualified early childhood educator leads children in activities. It’s a great way to connect with other parents who have kids in a similar stage as you.
  
• Churches & Community Centres: Churches and community centers often have free groups for mothers to attend. Churches offer a safe, welcoming space for moms to connect while kids play – no need to attend the church or share their beliefs. Community centers like Fraser Valley Archway also host groups where parents and kids can gather, play, and build connections in a warm, friendly environment!
  
• Parenting Groups: Mamas for mamas hosts a variety of classes around topics such as depression, anxiety, helping thinking patterns, nutrition and exercise, goal setting, and more.
  
• Mommy & Me Classes: Find and join a local mommy and me class for music or exercise to do something active and meet other local moms.
  
• Mommy Connections: Find your chapter of “Mommy Connections” in a region near you to connect with moms who are in a similar life stage as you.

Family friends: Making friends as an adult may mean befriending an entire family

One thing I’ve learned as an adult with children is that sometimes, making mom friends means making friends with an entire family. 

I personally invest in building family friendships (as opposed to just seeking out new moms one-on-one) because it’s easier to coordinate schedules when you get the whole family involved. 

We can share family dinners, go on family outings, or attend events with other families.

Of course, this isn’t always an option. In Canada, 61.2% of mothers between the ages of 25 to 44 years old are living in single-parent families. 

Making mom friends as a single mother is doubly hard because you don’t have a partner to rely on to let you get out of the house with other women to socialize, and it can be harder to make connections with women who are potentially child-less at the time that you meet them. 

In this case, I’d argue that focusing on family friendships becomes even more important for single mothers for the reasons mentioned above, even if the dynamic feels a little skewed sometimes.

Here’s an example from my own life. 

A few years ago, new neighbors moved in next door to my family. We didn’t know them at first, so we began by chatting across our backyards. 

Over time, these chats grew into hot dog roasts outside, where our kids could play together, even though they weren’t the same ages. 

Eventually, we became comfortable with each other and formed a real friendship. 

Together, we started inviting other neighbors to join our hot dog roasts, and soon a core group of families emerged. 

Now, we aim to hold a hot dog roast every month or two on a weekend afternoon. This tradition continues to this day, and it took over two years to develop. 

It’s a pretty big time commitment, but it’s because of the intentional time, energy, and effort we’ve all put into it that we now have each other in our lives. 

When all your friends live far apart

Not everyone has the ideal neighbour move in right next door. Sometimes finding new friendships takes some extra creativity and determination. 

In many cases, moms whose core group of friends from high school or college are all living far apart from each other, are at different stages in life, or have simply grown apart because life gets busy that way. 

I have other friends who I have known for many years, and I love them dearly – but it’s just impractical to get together because of how far apart we live. 

Just like in school where you don’t get to choose your classmates, you can develop friendships through circumstances. 

I believe that the same can be true with neighbours – or people who are around you in your community on a regular basis that you can naturally grow closer with over time. 

4 Tips for making friends as an adult with other families

If you find that one friend or family who lives in the same community as you (or even on the same street!), and you really like them? You’ve hit the ‘making friends as an adult’ jackpot.

But you never know which individuals or families are going to become that friend for you – the one you truly connect with and make time for – unless you put the time into spending quality time with them in the beginning. Taking the time to get to know someone is the only way to develop true connections. 

But how do you start that ball rolling? How do you – as a single mom, or as a mom in a larger family unit – make the first connection with a new family that you’d like to get to know better? 

• Food and Friendship: It’s true – food really brings people together. Bring cookies or a meal over to your neighbours to introduce yourself and get to know them. While it’s nice to have friends who have kids in a similar life stage to ours, it’s not a requirement for having a friendship – you can make friends with the neighbours who don’t have any kids, or whose kids are at totally different stages to your own.
  
• Childcare Connections: If there’s one thing parents know, it’s that we spend a lot of time revolving around kid schedules. Which is great – because if you’re doing it, so are other parents! If your kids attend a daycare, preschool, or school, arrive early to drop-offs and pick-ups and intentionally try to connect with a parent. If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, start where you know you have common ground: the kids! Ask about their child, how they’re doing in class, ask about the milestones they’re dealing with in their household, etc.
  
• Family Events: There are a lot of moms on the parent council – but dads are welcome, too. Sign up as volunteers as a family at school or community events. If you have little kids at home and can’t bring them along to whole-family volunteer events, try swapping so that both people in the relationship have a chance to meet new people. (Mom goes to parent council one week, dad goes the second week – you get it.)
  
• Sports Friends: If you have one or more of your kids participating in sports or extracurricular activities like soccer, dance or swimming lessons, and be intentional about talking to other families who stay to watch. Sitting beside each other at your kids’ sports games is a great beginning to friendships that can develop into backyard barbeques over time.

Make time for your mom friends: Scheduling for making friends as an adult 

Our society is fast-paced… which is not very conducive to nurturing relationships or making friends as an adult.

It will take intentional planning to be counter-cultural to slow down enough to make time and space in your life to build friendships. Though it is a lot of effort, I believe that it’s well worth the time and effort in the long run! 

I find it really helpful to schedule things that I want to do into my daily and monthly calendar. 

This means I even schedule times for calling or texting people who are important to me to make sure I respond to messages or reach out when I haven’t heard from someone for a while. We all know how it goes – half the time we respond to text messages in our heads before getting distracted by (insert-child-induced-distraction-here) and never get around to actually responding to the text. 

I find it really helpful to schedule things that I want to do into my daily and monthly calendar. This means I schedule in calling or texting people who are important to me, reading, writing, exercise, or doing an intentional activity with kids  – and they are as important to me, as getting my to-dos complete. 

If you are feeling alone…  

We have all been there at one time or another. Every person has had a moment of feeling alone. 

If you are pregnant and you are feeling alone in the Fraser Valley area, please apply for care. 

During one of the most transformative times in your life (motherhood), you deserve to have someone around you for support – and that’s what Care For Women is all about: supporting moms. 

If you want to bring a village of support to other moms who are feeling alone – consider donating to our program or becoming a mentor to ensure a new mom has someone to call on and support her when she has a new baby.